Visibility Hangovers

Or the post publication urge to hide

Publication is an odd time. There is so much busy work - content to make, interviews to do, events, emails to reply to…… And then there is the odd emotional work of it. The unexpectedly poignant messages, the generosity of others sharing your work, the sudden realisation that your words have penetrated a noisy landscape and reached someone.

Over the course of hosting the Not Too Busy To Write podcast, this has come up a lot in conversations. The exhaustion and vulnerability of publishing, alongside the joy and satisfaction of it. Some writers describe it as like falling off a cliff. All that forward momentum thats been driving you for months (years) on a book, culminates and then it’s done. Suddenly that work is out in the world for anyone to read, and maybe a lot of people are reading it or maybe hardly anyone is, either can make us feel sick at the thought.

Thoroughly sick of my own face…..

I wrote last month about how I prefer to hide through August. Allow the cocoon of my little family to remain offline and away from the world at a time which is inherently diffecult for us. But I had to be visible this summer. And as I throw myself into the autumn season of book proposal coaching and teaching, I need to remain visible for a while longer so that the programs and workshops find the right audience too. All this to say, I currently have a visibility hangover.

The funny thing is the visibility hangover isn’t necessarily caused by people writing bad reviews, or saying dismissive or mean things about my work. It’s often the opposite. Support shown by readers and other authors has made me ready to pull up the draw bridge more than anything else. And it’s kind of interesting to reflect and dig into why that is our (my) reaction. I’m ready to hibernate. I want to burrow down into my little nest and get on with privately working on something new. I find myself getting jealous of those whose work is a private rather than public thing. People whose work is not picked at, turned over and shared.

This may seem like an odd thing to say, since as a writer, I do actually want my work to have an audience. I do not write solely for myself, but to share. Otherwise I would just keep all my words to myself. And I think there is nothing wrong with self promotion. In fact I believe the exact opposite - that self promotion is completely essential because authors are the best people to see their own work. No one else understands it, or cares about it like we do. There is no one better to communicate it than ourselves.

So why do I feel so wrung out? Like I am ready to hide away for six months and pretend even the nicest messages are not landing in my inbox? If I am really honest with myself it is probably out of fear. Fear that I have failed to do enough. Fear that the work fails to live up to what it could be. Fear that even the most beautiful responses and reviews, won’t necessarily guarantee I’ll to be allowed to do it all again. It is hard to put your work out in the world not knowing if anyone at all will care.

Also, I think I’m just a bit sick of myself. I want to hide in a room and write. I need to be able to go inwards in order to create something new and I’m far far more interested in what comes next than what I’ve already completed.

So what helps?

Firstly, I think we just have to sit with the discomfort and do the work anyway. To imagine that all writers enjoy the visibility that is necessary for publication is a mistake. I think its better to assume most of us find it weird and vulnerable and we do it because it allows our words to reach the right people and hopefully, that means we can keep writing. It is a means to an end.

Secondly, I am fantasising about a lovely slow October, where I catch my breath, teach my Book Proposal Group Program (this is my favourite way to teach/coach, the group is always so invigorating). I’ll also be working on something new and enjoying my favourite season of the year. Crisp air, beautiful light, leaves turning. Knowing this is coming and this particular, very outward facing season is going to come to an end helps a lot.

Thirdly, by sharing the work of other writers who I admire. Yes, far easier than talking about ourselves! This is partly why I coincided the current season of Not Too Busy To Write with the publication of Home Matters because what better way to cope with the visibility than sharing that spotlight with others. This season’s focus has been on authors who write in some way about the home. So far

Kerri ní Dochartaigh

has spoken to me about the long tail of trauma attached to her childhood home in Derry and her relationship to the Irish landscape.

Caro Giles

has spoken with me about our shared experience of building homes as single mothers with children with complex needs. And

Clover Stroud

spoke about feeling haunted by her childhood home and what drives her to create the home she has for her children.

I think the thing that has helped the most, is all the conversations I have had over time with other writers about this feeling. I know I’m not alone in feeling oddly cut off from myself in the face of so much self promotion. Knowing it is common and probably just pretty normal does help a lot.

And I’m definitely itching to get back to writing. Because really thats what it’s all about. Not the promotion, not the events, not the interviews. It’s about the words on the page. And I’m ready to dive back in.